I have indulged in the mind numbing study of horror movies for the last 30 years or so and in that time I have learned a few things. One undeniable fact is that when you settle down to watch a film called SKIN EATING JUNGLE VAMPIRES, the likelihood of it being a quality piece of work is on a par with the chances of pulling Kate Middleton in a Java powered Internet Chat room.

I tied though, Lord knows I tried. I tried watching it sober.. I tried watching it drunk.. I tried watching it... well, you get the picture.

The plot revolves around a weird jungle planet that has women ruling it and wanting to take over the world. That is pretty much it for a narrative. What follows is unexplainably tedious.

As always I will start with a positive. Erm.. I guess having the word "VAMPIRES" in the title is a good thing right?

In hindsight, one of the real shocks was what appeared as I pressed play. The Copyright warning made me ponder why anyone would put the time and effort into wanting to protect something as lame as this. If you watched it on fast forward x 8, it would still be a 10 minute waste of your precious time.

Some sequences did spark a little debate in my mind however. Like when the �cheerleader scene� had me wondering whether they had used a Sprite or 7-Up bottle to cause the �trippy� hallucinogenic effect.

It wasn�t all bad though. 44 minutes in and a taboo �lesbians drenched in blood scene� kicked in. About 4 minutes long with open mouthed French kissing and tits galore. All slithering around in delightful crimson glory, it was the films highlight thus far.

No need to waste that remote control battery in rewinding it though. After 50 minutes the same scene plays again!! Beautiful! You know, if only they had just looped that scene 20 times to fill the 80 minute run time, we might have had something vaguely watchable!

MR CREEPO proudly puts his name to this production. So confident is he of future sales he puts together a 20 minute sequence showcasing some of his other offerings.

Maybe there is a market out there for stuff like this but even back when I was a teenager and desperate for any old video trash, I would have seriously struggled with nonsense like this. It is an insult, not only to horror fans, but to all the independent film makers out there with quality scripts trying to get their projects off the ground.

The likes of Mr Crappo are, of course, free to make whatever movies they wish. But to expect people to pay to watch garbage like this is more horrific then any of the tripe he is committing to film at present.

Avoid like the plague. But if you are tempted... 44 minutes in is where it�s at!!!

Review by Marc Lissenburg

Released by Chemical Burn Entertainment
Region 1 - NTSC
Not Rated
Extras :
see main review